It's starting to really fucking sink in. Computer Science is NOT really for me. My brain cannot handle the required capabilities of being a programmer. It's times like this that makes me want to just stop whatever the hell I'm 'programming' and quit already. Too bad I'm too proud and won't bow down and accept defeat. I consider it as something unfortunate because I think not accepting defeat is a sign of cowardice. You can't accept your boundaries and limitations. As much as possible I really, really, as in badly still want to try. I don't know if I'm just too lazy to study and practice programming or if I have really become dumb and stupid. I don't know.
It sounds good, yes, hearing and seeing people's reactions whenever I tell them that I am a Computer Science student from UPLB, but what they didn't know is how much I suck as one. I am a big sucker for programming. Probably the dumbest and most stupid one. Please, people, when I tell you what course I'm taking and where I'm studying, don't have high expectations right away, because I hate disappointing people. If it feels bad to get disappointed, it feels worse for me if I'm the who caused the disappointment.
Have you ever heard of the movie called "It's Kind of A Funny Story"? Well, I totally relate to the main character. And this really got me:
I'm the type of person who will never tell anybody about his/her problems because I think people wouldn't care and will just think that it's no big deal and there are a whole lot of other stuff worth worrying about. Pathetic, eh? I know. But that's me. Ironically, though, I'm posting some of my problems here. Anyway, when that happens--when I'm on verge of blowing up--I would just go the bathroom and cry silently and talk to God. Pretty odd place for talking to God, eh? I don't have a choice. I don't want my family to see or hear me crying. It will be weird for them because they never saw me as someone who cries because she's got problems. They think that I'm someone who just laughs it off. There are some days when I just felt like shouting and break porcelains just to let go of this fucking heavy feeling, but that, too, is something I cannot do. I can't think of a place where I can do it! HAHAHAHA
So to end this post, I wanna tell you, guys, to never do what I'm doing. If you have problems, tell someone about it because you won't believe how much it can make you feel better. You have no idea how bad it feels if you just keep it in. There will come time when you will no longer be able to hold it in together and when that happens, no one will understand why you're acting the way you're acting when it explodes. So better tell someone about it, if he can't help solve your problems, at least he can listen. And that's already a huge help. You are never alone. You've got your family and friends with you. God did not gave them to you for no reason at all.:)
