It's starting to really fucking sink in. Computer Science is NOT really for me. My brain cannot handle the required capabilities of being a programmer. It's times like this that makes me want to just stop whatever the hell I'm 'programming' and quit already. Too bad I'm too proud and won't bow down and accept defeat. I consider it as something unfortunate because I think not accepting defeat is a sign of cowardice. You can't accept your boundaries and limitations. As much as possible I really, really, as in badly still want to try. I don't know if I'm just too lazy to study and practice programming or if I have really become dumb and stupid. I don't know.

It sounds good, yes, hearing and seeing people's reactions whenever I tell them that I am a Computer Science student from UPLB, but what they didn't know is how much I suck as one. I am a big sucker for programming. Probably the dumbest and most stupid one. Please, people, when I tell you what course I'm taking and where I'm studying, don't have high expectations right away, because I hate disappointing people. If it feels bad to get disappointed, it feels worse for me if I'm the who caused the disappointment.

Have you ever heard of the movie called "It's Kind of A Funny Story"? Well, I totally relate to the main character. And this really got me:

I'm the type of person who will never tell anybody about his/her problems because I think people wouldn't care and will just think that it's no big deal and there are a whole lot of other stuff worth worrying about. Pathetic, eh? I know. But that's me. Ironically, though, I'm posting some of my problems here. Anyway, when that happens--when I'm on verge of blowing up--I would just go the bathroom and cry silently and talk to God. Pretty odd place for talking to God, eh? I don't have a choice. I don't want my family to see or hear me crying. It will be weird for them because they never saw me as someone who cries because she's got problems. They think that I'm someone who just laughs it off. There are some days when I just felt like shouting and break porcelains just to let go of this fucking heavy feeling, but that, too, is something I cannot do. I can't think of a place where I can do it! HAHAHAHA

So to end this post, I wanna tell you, guys, to never do what I'm doing. If you have problems, tell someone about it because you won't believe how much it can make you feel better. You have no idea how bad it feels if you just keep it in. There will come time when you will no longer be able to hold it in together and when that happens, no one will understand why you're acting the way you're acting when it explodes. So better tell someone about it, if he can't help solve your problems, at least he can listen. And that's already a huge help. You are never alone. You've got your family and friends with you. God did not gave them to you for no reason at all.:)

I think I'm doomed. I don't get to do the exercises properly. That's two now. Argh! What am I going to do? It's a seasonal subject, and I don't want to take it again next year. I mean, I think I'm okay in the lecture part, but the laboratory part is hell. And it's the more important one since that is where we apply everything we discuss in the lecture. Fortunately, the higher percentage of the final grade will come from the lecture, that's 50%. But I still have to do good in the laboratory so I can surely pass. Oh, God, help me, please? Pretty, pretty please?T____T

School year's coming to an end again and in this whole year, I have concluded one thing: sometimes things turn out the way you didn't expect them to be. Every time I hear the word Speech Comm. or Badminton, it always irritates my ears--never fails. So when I finally took them in my first and second semester this year, respectively, I was surprised with how it turned out. I never thought I could enjoy, have fun and become excited in attending these classes. For one, I never really enjoyed speaking in front of the whole class, let alone delivering a speech. I still don't like that. But the thing is, this SPCM1/ G-2L made it possible! Another thing is, I never fancied sports--EVER. That's why I'm skeptic and not really sure if I should continue Badminton. But man, did I really enjoy it, especially the tournament! I felt like a real athlete competing with my classmates, especially in the doubles division! There are a few times when I sucked real bad and experienced a few defeats, but it was all worth it. Yeah, it felt bad to loose, but it didn't really get into me. For me, it was all just a game and it was something to be enjoyed and not to be taken seriously. And by seriously I meant SERIOUSLY, as in seriously. I mean you gotta take seriously or else you'll flunk the subject, but what I meant was seriously, as in take it way too seriously. Got it? So well, there you are. I guess the moral lesson here is, expect the worse and who knows, it might turn out to be otherwise. Well, that's it. Pretty much. Good luck to us! :D

A speech plan due on Friday.

A quiz on Web Programming on Friday.

A speech due on Wednesday.

A long exam next Friday.

Another long exam on Monday after next.

What a perfect month. I love August. Seriously.

(beaches && swimming_pools) || (lecture_halls) ??

Today is the starting day of the enlistment period for the summer classes, but still, I'm not yet decided if I will enroll this summer or not. Though I have fully accepted the fact that I am now delayed, I still want to at least not to get too far behind. Gusto kong makahabol, in other words.

I still don't know what to do. Geeesh.ö

loooots of humps ahead

I really don't have anything to write(well, type, in this case), I just felt like posting something here. No agenda at all or whatsoever. Actually, I should be studying right now. I have an exam coming tomorrow night, and yet I haven't started browsing through my notes. Really a model student. Haha!☺

Well, my day started pretty good. Unfortunately, I woke up a bit late this morning. Luckily, I wasn't late. How did that happen? Okay, here's the reason. Since I woke up late, I decided not to eat my breakfast because I'm a certified slow-eater during breakfast and second, because aside from being a slow-eater, I also happen to consume a lot of time in taking a bath. And not just that, every Wednesday and Friday, mahina ang tubig. I don't know why. Nakakainis nga eh. So during those days, from the moment I wake up, I would go straight to bathroom and turn on the faucets so I could have enough water when I take a bath.

/*** Flashback. ***/

Yesterday was a Tuesday. I was expecting a delivery from someone. As expected, it arrived. I was so excited to try the garment on. To my dismay, I didn't like the way blouse fitted me. I looked like a giant hanger. And so, I tried several methods to make it look better, at least. I tried to put on a belt. It did look better. But the thing is, I'm not used to wearing accessories(I consider belts as accessories). I'm really disappointed. I really, really want to wear that blouse, but... *sigh* :( I felt like I just wasted my money for no reason. Sayang din yun.

Lessons learned. I will not go online shopping anymore. Kainis lang.

die trying

I'm all messed up.
I don't do my duties and I'm being irresponsible when it comes to my academic requirements.
Whenever I tell myself to do this and that, I still, always end up not doing them.
I'm so unorganized.
I have a severe mañana habit.
Whenever I find it hard to do something, I don't even exert an effort to try to work it out.
I have a bad social life.
I'm still stuck in my old study habits.
I spend more time on unnecessary things than on the essential ones.
I ask too many questions.
I'm always late at everything.
I don't take things seriously.
I have lots of alibis and excuses.
I hate this.

I'll improve myself, promise! I will not break that. I'm just not yet ready to start all over again. But I'll do it, in time. Well of course, before it's too late. Better yet, I'll do it now. I know I can, I just always take things for granted and end up doing nothing. Argh. I'll make it happen this time. I will.