It's starting to really fucking sink in. Computer Science is NOT really for me. My brain cannot handle the required capabilities of being a programmer. It's times like this that makes me want to just stop whatever the hell I'm 'programming' and quit already. Too bad I'm too proud and won't bow down and accept defeat. I consider it as something unfortunate because I think not accepting defeat is a sign of cowardice. You can't accept your boundaries and limitations. As much as possible I really, really, as in badly still want to try. I don't know if I'm just too lazy to study and practice programming or if I have really become dumb and stupid. I don't know.

It sounds good, yes, hearing and seeing people's reactions whenever I tell them that I am a Computer Science student from UPLB, but what they didn't know is how much I suck as one. I am a big sucker for programming. Probably the dumbest and most stupid one. Please, people, when I tell you what course I'm taking and where I'm studying, don't have high expectations right away, because I hate disappointing people. If it feels bad to get disappointed, it feels worse for me if I'm the who caused the disappointment.

Have you ever heard of the movie called "It's Kind of A Funny Story"? Well, I totally relate to the main character. And this really got me:

I'm the type of person who will never tell anybody about his/her problems because I think people wouldn't care and will just think that it's no big deal and there are a whole lot of other stuff worth worrying about. Pathetic, eh? I know. But that's me. Ironically, though, I'm posting some of my problems here. Anyway, when that happens--when I'm on verge of blowing up--I would just go the bathroom and cry silently and talk to God. Pretty odd place for talking to God, eh? I don't have a choice. I don't want my family to see or hear me crying. It will be weird for them because they never saw me as someone who cries because she's got problems. They think that I'm someone who just laughs it off. There are some days when I just felt like shouting and break porcelains just to let go of this fucking heavy feeling, but that, too, is something I cannot do. I can't think of a place where I can do it! HAHAHAHA

So to end this post, I wanna tell you, guys, to never do what I'm doing. If you have problems, tell someone about it because you won't believe how much it can make you feel better. You have no idea how bad it feels if you just keep it in. There will come time when you will no longer be able to hold it in together and when that happens, no one will understand why you're acting the way you're acting when it explodes. So better tell someone about it, if he can't help solve your problems, at least he can listen. And that's already a huge help. You are never alone. You've got your family and friends with you. God did not gave them to you for no reason at all.:)

I think I'm doomed. I don't get to do the exercises properly. That's two now. Argh! What am I going to do? It's a seasonal subject, and I don't want to take it again next year. I mean, I think I'm okay in the lecture part, but the laboratory part is hell. And it's the more important one since that is where we apply everything we discuss in the lecture. Fortunately, the higher percentage of the final grade will come from the lecture, that's 50%. But I still have to do good in the laboratory so I can surely pass. Oh, God, help me, please? Pretty, pretty please?T____T

A speech plan due on Friday.

A quiz on Web Programming on Friday.

A speech due on Wednesday.

A long exam next Friday.

Another long exam on Monday after next.

What a perfect month. I love August. Seriously.

So hopeless. I've got a project due on Friday and guess what? I still haven't started! So much for model student. And what's worse is, I may have a scheduled final exam on the presentation day. I hope they won't happen simultaneously. It would literally kill me. Calling all saints and of course, God for help. I need you all. Help me. 911.

exams, presentations..what else could complete a perfect hell week?

Exams for three days in a row, not to mention two on the same day, and a project to make and presentation coming ahead. These are the ingredients in a wicked recipe called hell week. I've finally finished two exams, three to go. I still haven't contacted my partner yet. We haven't talked about how we will make our project and when we will present.

Gosh. Pressure is building up all over me. To add up to that, I still don't know how my day would turn out tomorrow. I have two exams on the same day and time.

***I haven't seen him yet, for one week now. Where could he be? I'm just curious, just curious.***

late realizations

This morning, I was watching the music chart of Myx for foreign artists. I was able to watch Katy Perry's latest music video entitled, "Thinking of You". Matt Dallas, a.k.a. Kyle of the TV show Kyle XY was there. Oh my, he's really cute. I don't know why ngayun ko lng napansin un. He's got really gorgoeus and expressive eyes. Katy's lucky to be able to work with him. Haha. Well, so much for that. I still have to study. I have an exam tomorrow, sana maipasa ko ulit. Wish me luck!☺

die trying

I'm all messed up.
I don't do my duties and I'm being irresponsible when it comes to my academic requirements.
Whenever I tell myself to do this and that, I still, always end up not doing them.
I'm so unorganized.
I have a severe mañana habit.
Whenever I find it hard to do something, I don't even exert an effort to try to work it out.
I have a bad social life.
I'm still stuck in my old study habits.
I spend more time on unnecessary things than on the essential ones.
I ask too many questions.
I'm always late at everything.
I don't take things seriously.
I have lots of alibis and excuses.
I hate this.

I'll improve myself, promise! I will not break that. I'm just not yet ready to start all over again. But I'll do it, in time. Well of course, before it's too late. Better yet, I'll do it now. I know I can, I just always take things for granted and end up doing nothing. Argh. I'll make it happen this time. I will.

It's Feb fair week, but I still haven't gone there. My mom won't let me. She told me to just go there on Friday, with her and my sister. Okay fine, gonna spend some quality time together. Mother and daughter. Okay na din. ;)

We had a quiz this morning--I'm late, as usual. I was answering the quiz when I noticed something funny. I thought that it was only me who was shaking because of the room's low temperature. But to our surprise, it was really shaking! There was an earthquake, it was short lived though, but still it was freaky. Mejo malakas eh. I looked at our professor and it drew a smile on my face. Her reaction was really funny. She was about to run outside when the quake was at its peak, but since it was just for a short while, she settled immediately. Due to the untimed earthquake, the alloted time for the quiz was lengthened. Nice one!:D

<------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------->

I had a bad time last week. There are a looooooot of reasons for that. First was because I had my monthly period which caused me dysmenorrhea. Oh, it hurts so bad! I was absent the whole day. Second was because I still haven't formulated my tentative thesis statement yet, and the first submission of note cards is today! So now I still don't know if I should attend the class later or not. Baka pagalitan ako eh!T_T


So what will happen this week? Will it turn out well or not or not-so-well? I hope it'll be well.
Will I enroll for the summer classes? I'm considering that, but I want to enjoy the summer. I want to rest, and forget schooling for at least two months.

What to do? What to do?

dot. dot. dot.

Start of classes is fast-approaching, but I can't feel it. I went to school a while a ago. Madami na ring estudyante, pero tinatamad pa rin akong pumasok (as usual). I'm still underloaded--15 units--I need three units more. I'm planning to take 21 units since I only took 12 last sem, but because of time and unavailability of slots, di na ata kakayanin.

Personally, I don't know what awaits me this semester (well, who knows?). I hope this is going to be good. Ginaganahan lang ako mag-aral pag mataas grades ko eh. Sana matataas ngayon para ganahan.

Okay, okay! Inaatake na naman ako ng katamaran, but I'll see to it that it won't eat me whole! I'll push through. This time, I wanna study hard. Kaso pag naman ganito laging hanggang salita lang ako. Hay!

This coming sem, I'll be taking cmsc21 and cmsc22. These two subjects are complicated and difficult (well, one of my closest blocmates told me that most of the computer science students find these two major subjects very difficult). Katakot. Pre-requisite kase neto ang cmsc11-introduction to computer science. Grabeng intro yan, pahirap agad! Programming really gives a bad headache! In making algorithms, there a lot of things to consider before even starting. What more when you finally came to the point na iche-check mo na if the program is working or if there are errors that needs to be resolved?

Saludo ko sa mga computer science students ng uplb na naka-graduate on time. Mga halimaw kayo. Share naman ng knowledge and understandings regarding our course. :)

I think that's all for now. Ang dami kong iniisip. Good luck to me and my fellow college students this semester! I hope we'll make it good this semester, and hopefully, sa mga following semesters pa. Up until graduation! Yes! Haha. ;)