I have always wondered why I'm inclined to watching comedic TV series with plots revolving around a group of friends. And now, I finally have the answer: I don't have one.

Maybe I long for the same kind of friendship with people, and I only get to 'experience' it when I watch these kinds of shows/movies. Pathetic. Sad.

But then again I have this issue of wanting to be alone with myself majority of the time and hanging out with people tends to drain me. And I only get this social energy surges about once a week (if I'm lucky), or probably just twice a month.

I *think* I missed out on being part of a certain group of friends because "di kasi ako laging napunta" to that certain place, and this other girl got to be a part of it because she would always go there after work. I used to be the one always going there. But for a certain amount of time that I did not, I didn't get to be a part of a group. Again.

Yes, again. It first happened in third year high school, I was close (or I thought so) with majority of the members of this so called barkada, but then I did not join their after school gala on the first day of school, so I did not make the cut. I pathetically ask this certain classmate if I'm part of it (my God, the audacity and naivety of the teenage me), and she said no, because only those who came with them on that gala are the members. Imagine my dismay.

But lo and behold, I pushed myself to still be friends with them. I shoved myself down their throats. And continued to do so for the rest of high school, all through college, and even after.

But now? I think I've had enough. It's time to stop. I know when I'm not wanted, and I will not ignore it anymore. I will step away.

It's been a long time coming. I'm ready.

I have no self-respect left.

I have begged again and again to fix everything, but still nothing.

He was so mad at me for snapping at him.

But..

That's what he does to me before. He even blackmailed me at one point, but I forgave him. He never got this kind of treatment from me. He would keep flooding me messages and calls until I replied--not nice messages, mind you.

And still: HE NEVER GOT THIS KIND OF TREATMENT FROM ME.

He changed. He doesn't care anymore. If we talk or not. If we fix things or not. If I'm still here or not.

He says he wants to be alone, I respect that. I just wish you could respect that as well whenever I feel like that, too. When I tell you that, you'll just get mad and complain why you're damay plus a very annoyed and angry "galing mo talaga manira ng araw, bwiset!"--oh and on my birthday, nonetheless.

Should I still continue praying and hoping you'll respect me and will be sensitive to my feelings someday? That you'll get scared you might lose me if you continue treating me this way? That you'll listen to what I have say and not disregard what I think and feel?

I have been for four years.

When you told me I can't handle you at your worst, I took it as a challenge.

I became more patient. More resilient. More understanding. For you.

Everything for you.

When will I get what I deserve?

I'm at my wit's end.

I have tried and tried and tried.

I gave and gave and gave.

All I wanted is for him to fight for me, to work hard to earn me. But he wouldn't.

Maybe I'm not worth it.

Yes, I'm not worth it.

That's definitely it.

I'm hands down the worst person alive. Probably the most useless, pathetic, worthless, and good-for-nothing as well.

I can feel it.

In my skin.

In my bones.

In my soul.

It's there.

It's different when you just feel these things by yourself, but it's a whole other story when someone else actually does it to you. Especially when it's someone you thought would protect you from feeling that way, someone who would instead encourage you to see the good things in yourself.

That was my mistake.

The things is, I already know these. Eversince I was a kid. I have known it: no actual friends, no one to back me up.

Alone.

Well, not physically, but emotionally at psychologically.

And then come high school. Why, oh, why would I push myself to people who clearly don't give a shit if I exist or not in their lives. Couldn't be bothered if I hang out with them or not.

Hey, they didn't even think of saving me a seat on the first day of senior classes even though we were together all summer reviewing shit for entrance exams. Man, that scarred me for life. It's been 13 years, yet here we are.

And now, the main event: finally got someone. You know, "romantic styles."

But I became trash. 

And I thought I already hit rock bottom. 

I thought I'd get used to it. 

Hey, he didn't mean it. He was only mad. He never meant to say those things. He already knows I'm insecure and that I look down on myself. 

BUT WHO GIVES A FUCK? 

HE DOESN'T. 

If he's mad, he's mad. He doesn't know you. He doesn't care about you. He doesn't care what you think. He doesn't care how you feel. 

HE JUST DOESN'T CARE.

So why am I still here?

I can't even count how many times he wished I was dead anymore. Let alone all the curse words he threw at me like I'm some traitor who cost him his life.

I don't know.

I know what you're thinking. This is totally and absolutely private. Why am I posting this?

I have no one to talk to.

I don't have anyone to tell these things to.

I can't tell my family. I already worked so hard for them to like him. Especially my mom and sister.

I can't tell my friends because I don't even know if I still have any. I have stopped talking to them and seeing them because--surprise, surprise--he doesn't like them. Won't even allow to me go out with them.

So that's my life. So joyful, isn't it? Not bad at all.

Wonder how things will turn out.

What the fuck am I gonna do?

Very sorry for venting out like this. I feel like I've reached my limit. I want to share this on all my social media accounts, but it will just cause a stir. Plus, I'm not really the type to post my feelings online.

Ironic. Yes. I know.

BUT.

No one reads this blog anyway. SOOOO, still safe.

Will let you know what happens next.

Bye. X

It has been nearly a year and yet, I still feel like an outsider. I know each one of them, but they have no idea who I am or that I even exist. I want to tell him so much how I feel about this, but I can't. It's my fault--I can't face them anyway. I'm too scared. I still have that feeling that he only settled for me. There's a whole lot of better ones out there, but he settled for me. They are a beautiful family, and, yes, I know the physical aspect should never be an issue, but I'm just too fucking scared. I hope I can overcome this. It's ruining me.

It has been a while since I made an animated gif. And since I'm excited about the new How to Train Your Dragon movie, I thought of making a gif out of my favorite scene from the first movie. I love how this shot was executed and how it made me feel like I was flying with them.

So anyway, my sister and I finally got a graphic tablet we had dreamed of having. I am still trying to get used to using it and this is one of my early works. As of the moment, I am watching several tutorial videos showing some techniques on drawing and coloring using graphic tablets.

This was drawn in SAI and as you can see, the lines are all a mess and I'm still trying to work on that.

Oh, and yeah, I forgot. I also made some gifs from the movie Memoirs of a Geisha because its cinematography is just awesome and Zhang Zhiyi is mesmerizing.

GIFS Galore

So I tried making a "3D" gif--the kind I often see on tumblr. It's kinda rusty, so spare me.

That, and I also made some Patrick Stump gifs. Why? Because!

//JUST LOOK AT THAT INSANELY ADORABLE AWKWARD SMILE! JUST. ARGH!!!

SHIT. SHIT. SHIT.

OH MY GOD.

I nearly did it, oh my God. Doing something because of a sudden rush of emotion will never do you any good. (According to my experiences, at least.) I nearly added him on facebook again! If I really wanna get over this guy, I should stop myself from doing stuff that will just remind me of him. (But I got over my former crush without un-friending him... Arrgggh!!!)

WHAT THE HELL, DUDE? WHAT DID YOU FUCKING DO TO ME??!! WHY CAN'T I MOVE ON??? WHY????

Oh, and yeah, I finally know why my earlier gifs wouldn't move and I know now how to make them do.