The one year anniversary for my Domino's feature is coming. That feature is greatly significant for two reasons: first, it has been my biggest achievement to date since I ventured into lettering and illustration; and second, it became a living proof that no matter what I did or achieved, no one gives a fuck.

I posted my plant-doodled Domino's pizza box on May 10, 2020. It managed to score a couple of likes, still less than 10, of course. I didn't really expect anything. I was so used to the fact that nobody in my network gives a fuck about my works and that nobody supports them. So when my cousin told me about Domino's wanting to feature my art on their page, I was more than ecstatic. Finally, I thought, someone gave a shit. Someone noticed. Maybe this time, people in my network will finally give a shit.

I waited patiently and excitedly for the post, until it came.

I actually woke up to it and was really happy. My handle was there--for all the world to see. I made that. So I enthusiastically shared it. Boasting inside, I fucking made it.

But then hours passed.

Nobody. Gave. A. Shit.

Still.

Even the original post did not even make it to a hundred reactions.

And my shared post? Didn't even make it to 30.

This girl who does basic letterings, those annoying, ubiquitous cursive fonts and style on Instagram, gets 80-100+ reacts. And this other girl, a wannabe "Heart Evangelista" with her "style" and concept of painting women and flowers, gets nothing lower that a hundred.

But me? Can't even make it to 30.

During that time I thought, this has definitely nothing to do with talent. It's me. I'm the problem. Nobody fucking likes me, thus, my works suffer. Maybe if I had been more friendly, more likable, then maybe more people will appreciate my art, my talent. Maybe I wouldn't feel so worthless.

But, the winds changed.

It has to do with talent.

I'm not wow enough.

As a person.

As an artist.

Mediocre.

Post for tonight:

I hate myself.

Good night. 

I was in the mood to letter tonight, so I opened my Instagram and browse through my works to get ideas. And I realized..

Damn, I suck.

I stopped sharing my posts to Facebook because the lack of reactions and support for my works was devastating and disheartening. I thought the problem was my lack of peers, my lack of network--or absence thereof--but no. It was actually my lack of talent.

As I look at my profile and browse through my works, I realized how boring and lifeless they are. There's no 'wow' in any of it. Not a single one. Even those I was proud of once--nothing. 

To be fair, I feel this way every now and then. But tonight, it felt different. It sunk a little deeper.

I am mediocre.