I'm hands down the worst person alive. Probably the most useless, pathetic, worthless, and good-for-nothing as well.

I can feel it.

In my skin.

In my bones.

In my soul.

It's there.

It's different when you just feel these things by yourself, but it's a whole other story when someone else actually does it to you. Especially when it's someone you thought would protect you from feeling that way, someone who would instead encourage you to see the good things in yourself.

That was my mistake.

The things is, I already know these. Eversince I was a kid. I have known it: no actual friends, no one to back me up.

Alone.

Well, not physically, but emotionally at psychologically.

And then come high school. Why, oh, why would I push myself to people who clearly don't give a shit if I exist or not in their lives. Couldn't be bothered if I hang out with them or not.

Hey, they didn't even think of saving me a seat on the first day of senior classes even though we were together all summer reviewing shit for entrance exams. Man, that scarred me for life. It's been 13 years, yet here we are.

And now, the main event: finally got someone. You know, "romantic styles."

But I became trash. 

And I thought I already hit rock bottom. 

I thought I'd get used to it. 

Hey, he didn't mean it. He was only mad. He never meant to say those things. He already knows I'm insecure and that I look down on myself. 

BUT WHO GIVES A FUCK? 

HE DOESN'T. 

If he's mad, he's mad. He doesn't know you. He doesn't care about you. He doesn't care what you think. He doesn't care how you feel. 

HE JUST DOESN'T CARE.

So why am I still here?

I can't even count how many times he wished I was dead anymore. Let alone all the curse words he threw at me like I'm some traitor who cost him his life.

I don't know.

I know what you're thinking. This is totally and absolutely private. Why am I posting this?

I have no one to talk to.

I don't have anyone to tell these things to.

I can't tell my family. I already worked so hard for them to like him. Especially my mom and sister.

I can't tell my friends because I don't even know if I still have any. I have stopped talking to them and seeing them because--surprise, surprise--he doesn't like them. Won't even allow to me go out with them.

So that's my life. So joyful, isn't it? Not bad at all.

Wonder how things will turn out.

What the fuck am I gonna do?

Very sorry for venting out like this. I feel like I've reached my limit. I want to share this on all my social media accounts, but it will just cause a stir. Plus, I'm not really the type to post my feelings online.

Ironic. Yes. I know.

BUT.

No one reads this blog anyway. SOOOO, still safe.

Will let you know what happens next.

Bye. X